The Spa Day

At 0720 on July 6th of my Virginia Beach visit with Kris he departed for the day all snazzed up in his Navy uniform with the parting words of "I love you. Have a great spa day!" I sleepily replied, "Of course I will." I've never known a spa day not to be great. About an hour later I rolled out of bed and enjoyed a toasted bagel with my burdock root tea as I took in the morning's news on GMA. I drove to the spa with my windows rolled all the way down and my AC cranked all the way up-just the way I like to drive. I rarely get the chance to indulge in this simple pleasure since most people do not find this wind in your hair chill in your face as enjoyable as I do.

I arrived at the spa and things start to go downhill immediately. They no longer had enough time in the 10 a.m. appointment (partly my fault, but an ordeal to be discussed at a later date) for my pedicure and my "Set me free body wrap" so being skeptical of the body wrap anyhow I asked if I can just have the pedicure. As I'm getting my pedicure, which I must pause to say was second rate. I paid for the "spa" treatment only to get not much more than a toenail trimming and polish on the nails. Ok so they did do a scrub and a mask, but I really do pedicures for the MASSAGE that comes with it, and this had no massage even though they told me it would. At any rate during my pedicure, the receptionist came to ask me if I'll wait around for the body wrap opening if they give me a FREE spa manicure. At this point I should have gracefully declined, but not really knowing what to do I agreed.

Off I went to the manicure table. Let me first say that this "spa" is not like most spas with the lovely smells, serene music and soft lighting. No, not at all. Everything is GREY, there is a limited amount of pleasant smells due to the children that were running around eating various fast foods. There was absolutely no soft lighting let alone any other customers in the place. I should have gone running for the hills, but I figured how bad can a spa manicure be? I'm was about to find out. As the girl, who is telling me how she woke up over 3 hours late for work, was grinding away on my cuticles in the most uncomfortable manner I've ever experienced a small child was pounding away on the little nail polish remover dispenser next to me. As she did this an errant drop of nail polish remover landed, this can only happen once in a life time, IN MY EYE!! I exclaimed in what I can only imagine sounded like a bitchy irritated voice, "SHE JUST GOT NAIL POLISH REMOVER IN MY EYE!" Of course, the little girl felt bad and apologized. The manicurist stopped so I could try to tend to my eyeball that was burning out of my head, and I'm appalled. I took care of it with some natural tearing and obscenities, and let the manicurist finish her idea of what a spa manicure is-again second rate at best.

Next I was shuttled into the relaxation room to allow my nails to dry before the "wrap." The relaxation room was trying to be more spa like with some nice serene music and soft lighting, but it is frigid cold in there so I couldn't quite relax. As I attempted to slip into some sort of relaxed state I felt someone watching me, and sure enough the little finger nail polish shooter was standing outside the window licking a push pop. Fucking kids in a SPA! What the F? You've got to be kidding me. I really have nothing against children, and generally enjoy their company, but not when they are in the spa shooting nail polish remover in my EYE.

Mandy came to get me for the body wrap. Now this is no ordinary body wrap. It is referred to as the "Set Me Free" body wrap and GUARANTEES to shrink my fat cells causing me to lose inches in my girth all over my body as I laid wrapped up in some solution for 45 minutes. Now of course I'm generally a lot more practical than to fall for this sort of stunt, but I'm on vacation, and I figured what the hell I like to try new things. The first thing Mandy had me do is to take a shower with the "Set Me Free" body wash and stand in my bra in panties waiting for her to return. Of course the room I had to stand in was freezing so I wrapped my self up in a towel and sat on the bed that had a heating pad on it. When Mandy came back, she slathered gunk all over my body and wrapped me up like left over ham in plastic wrap. Once that process was complete I laid down on the warm bed where she proceeded to wrap me in a cocoon of warm blankets and one of those foil emergency blankets that EMT's use. At this point I realize I'm just laying there baking the water weight out of my body not really shrinking fat cells, but Mandy took measurements before she started so that she could prove the treatment worked. About 45 minutes of blissful sleep later, I was unwrapped and re-measured. The results were in-I had lost a total of 5.75 inches from various parts of my body. I must add in here that Mandy pulled the tape measure noticeably tighter on the second round of measurements so there you have it-it's a scam. No need for anyone else to try it since I already did. At this point I'm covered in slime and she tells me to just towel off, get dressed and meet her in the hall. WHAT?! I need a shower NOW not before the treatment. I did so, and had to skip the stop next door for a sushi lunch since I'm covered in slime and smell like whatever they put on my skin. After paying the receptionist and giving NO TIPS-something I NEVER do, I go back to the hotel and still hopeful that maybe the wrap worked, I try my jeans on. No luck-they were still the exact same fit. She told me if I drink a gallon of water per day for the next three days that I would lose more. I'm drinking the water, but not because I hope to wash these shrunken fat cells out, but because it is 100 FREAKING degrees here and I'm hot!

There it is-never go to a spa without doing more research than googleing "spas in Virginia Beach-or wherever your destination may be." The only good thing that came out of this spa day is that I do not yearn for another spa day for a good long while. That should save me some money!